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Build A New Relationship Out Of The Ashes With Relationship Breakup Advice
By Garry Fisher Published: 02/11/2010
After the end of most relationships, there is usually at least one person who regrets the breakup and wishes for reconciliation. Because of this, there are just as many looking for reunion advice as there are looking for relationship breakup advice. And, no matter who is asked, there ends up being roughly 8 simple steps to winning your ex back.
It can't be stated enough that harassing or stalking your ex is an absolute NO. It is illegal in many places. It creates emotional blackmail that will eventually lead to your partner resenting you should you two actually get back together.
The first rule in reconciliation is to actually cease all contact with your ex. Do not call him or her. Do not write any letters. Don't 'drop by.' You want your ex to actually start to miss you and he or she can't if you are constantly around. If a complete cessation is not possible (he or she is a co-worker or shares children with you), then strive to limit any contact to times that cannot be avoided.
Step 2 is to keep busy. Your ex will most likely hear news of how you are taking the breakup. If he or she believes that you are despondent, then he or she will feel that the right decision was made in breaking up. If he or she learns of your happiness then you will resemble the person he or she was attracted to in the first place.
The third step is to embark on a voyage of personal improvement. Take a moral inventory of yourself. Discover any personality and emotional issues that may have contributed to the relationship failing. And, once you have determined your own flaws, find constructive ways to solve these issues. Go through therapy. Take a class. Practice the 12-steps (if they apply). The whole point is to gain a sense of inner peace and to become a better person. At no point should you consider the next step until you have at least given the third step at least a month.
The first contact is the fourth step. This should be done over the telephone and should be kept very brief and should be very casual in mood. The reason for the contact should be non controversial and the topic of your relationships should NEVER be broached or spoken about at all. Be breezy. Be flirty. Make small compliments. Your goal is to be a person with whom a conversation is a pleasant experience.
The fifth step is to engage in future casual conversations. Over time, your ex will begin to feel at ease talking to you. He or she may even start to ask if you miss him or her or if you wonder what happened to the relationship. Remember, remain nonchalant. Make sure he or she knows that you do in fact think about the past but are much more interested in what he or she is thinking about at this moment. Encourage the sharing of feelings. Make sure you LISTEN because it will help you to understand what went wrong in the relationship. And, always remember that the comfort zone should never be violated. If he or she wants to change the subject, then let the subject be changed
It is important to remember that you never blame your ex for what went wrong. You should also never beg for forgiveness. Blaming and begging cast you in a depressed light and makes others very uncomfortable.
The seventh step is to slowly evolve the contact with your ex from casual conversations to comfortable personal meetings or dates. By this time your ex will feel comfortable enough with you to meet for drinks or coffee. In fact, during these dates your ex may feel at ease enough to start talking about the past. Always make sure that you use I-statements, never put your ex on the spot, and never allow yourself to be walked over. Make sure that you let your efforts in personal improvement be known. This will assuage any fears that the same problems will develop should a new relationship be pursued.
Step 8 is when romance is added back into the equation. This happens gradually as your ex begins to feel more and more comfortable with you. Make sure the romance is non-threatening. It will remind him or her why he or she fell in love with you.
Just be patient. Over time these steps will help you and your partner to build a new and stronger relationship.